Happy Fright Night. Love Leigh's ridiculously awesome pumpkin, Jack Skellington.

Tomorrow is Halloween. A holiday that Robert does not care to recognize. A holiday that I LOVE. Though Halloween itself has not yet happened, we have already celebrated. Twice. On Friday evening, we met up with a group of friends out at Peralta Trail for a bonfire, s'mores, and a pumpkin carving contest. So much fun to have a date night with a bunch of wonderful people.

Our pumpkin. Based on The Nightmare Before Christmas. I've done better...

Last night, Saturday, we met up with our friends for a "trunk or treat". The boys LOVED walking from car to car to get candy. Joel kinda of gets the concept of Halloween. Lucas, not so much. But free candy? Yeah. They are fans. And they actually scored quite a bit. Enough for mom to pick from. Their main source of entertainment came from pulling and releasing the seat belts for the third row in our little SUV. Apparently the most hilarious thing ever.

The Trips. We love these guys.

Daniel is 5 months old today. CRAZY. Which, of course, means it was a chalk day. I love playing with chalk. Daniel is about the same weight Lucas was at this age, but about as long as Joel was. So "small" and tall. He FINALLY rolled from tummy to back yesterday. By far the latest of the three. He has been doing back to tummy for quite some time, though. A cuddly little fellow who doesn't say much.

*update*

Sorry I wasn't more clear in my previous post. IF you know where I am going in December, you are more than welcome to enter the giveaway! I will just have you state that you know where I am going instead of guessing. Because it would be pretty suspicious if half the guesses were all the same...

Ps. My passport photo... hideous.

50 days. FIFTY DAYS! Cannot even BEGIN to express my excitement. Still so many things to get done in the next 7 weeks. But now that the holidays are upon us, time will fly by. Speaking of time flying, I have decided upon something. Between 25 - 10 days on my countdown, I will have a giveaway. Not exactly sure WHAT I will be giving to the winner (though I have an idea). A little trinket from my trip. There will be a couple ways to enter, but more details on that once we hit 25 days. For now, I will leave you with 3 clues as to where I am going.
1. The letter "A" appears in the name of the country (not telling where or how often).
2. I only know one word in the language (so clearly not Brasil, Portugal, Mozambique, etc. since I know Portuguese).
3. The country lies in the Northern Hemisphere.
Be thinking about where I might be going over the next few weeks. That may or may not be one of the questions to enter the giveaway. And if you guess wrong, it won't effect your chances of winning.

Outpouring of love. Seriously. Thank you for the wonderful comments that you sent (which I am choosing to keep private). I was tempted to delete my post because it comes off as being rather negative. Even though that was not my intent, I will not delete it. We all have times when we need to express ourselves. But I want each of you to know that my previous post was in NO WAY written in frustration, anger, depression, or any other negative feeling. I am actually very content with my life. There have been several occurrences lately that make me realize how wonderful life truly is. I really am in a good place. Just exhausted. Which comes along with parenting, so no complaints about that. I wrote that because, even when I am at my happiest, I still need reassurance. I always have. Before becoming a wife. And well before having children. So if you read that and became concerned for me; don't. I am doing great. I PROMISE.

just going to say it

Want to hear something shocking? I have incredibly low self esteem. You may not have known that about me. Because I have learned to hide it. By trying to conquer the world with everything I take on. Several people have made comments to me or about me being "good at everything I try". While that may be the case (in all honesty, not trying to boast by any means), being good at things does nothing for my self esteem. I have fleeting feelings of happiness when complimented. But I am then left with a bigger hole than I started with wondering if what was said is really true. I am not doubting those that give compliments. I am doubting myself. And there are major areas in my life (that essentially make up who I am) that I doubt myself the most in. I doubt myself as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, and as a photographer. As far as doubting myself as a wife goes, this one is all on me. Robert has NEVER said or done anything to make me feel this way. This stems from being so exhausted from three young children. I let housework slide. I let cooking slide (way slide. not even going to tell you the last time I made dinner). I feel horrible because Robert comes home from work and cooks dinner while taking care of the kids. He gives up his Saturday morning to clean the house and to take the two older boys grocery shopping. And not once has he complained. EVER. Don't get me wrong; I participate too. I just feel like I am not doing enough. Which carries over into being a mother. Lately, we have been in survival mode. We use to do "preschool" together, but it has been weeks since we left off on "W". We use to walk/run in the morning, but I haven't had the motivation or energy in several days. So we watch movies. Which is something I swore would never be a daily routine. And I feel horrible for it. In terms of friendship, I feel like people don't really like me as much as I think they do. Which is ridiculous. But I get so nervous about it that I make myself sick. And if/when I do unintentionally offend a friend, I never allow myself to feel forgiven. Even if I am. A mishap occurred just over a year ago, one that I mistakenly allowed to happen. And to this day, I feel that those involved might love and respect me just a little less than before. And I avoid certain topics with them because I feel like it is salt on the wound. I know this is not truly the case, but it is how I make myself feel. And photography? I feel like quitting. Every day. I feel like I am not good enough to call myself a photographer. That I have no right to claim to own a business. Or to charge people for my work. Unlike my other doubts, this one has a little more founding. I have been lied to. I have been taken advantage of (and I would never say by whom or how so please do not ask. and please do not assume I am speaking of you). I have had clients immediately turn around an book a session with another photographer after receiving their images. And it hurts. Painfully. It makes me feel completely incapable. That I am not good enough. So it makes me want to give up. I have no clue where I stand on this one: whether to continue on and make myself sick with worry that a client may not love their pictures. Or whether to quit doing something that I enjoy so as to save myself from undue stress.
Okay. If you seriously made it through all of that, I am impressed. I am not trying to complain. Or call anyone out (and if you somehow got that from this you completely missed the point). I just want to be honest about how I feel. Because right now I feel like a big fat part of me is a lie trying to hide all of this. I do not want the label of being a negative person. I just want you to understand the load that I make myself carry.

And if you try to tell me to change how my brain functions, my very OCD mind just might explode.

party

On Saturday, we had a little party for the boys. Nothing big. Just family. And triplets. Sweet and simple. It turned out perfect. Minus the surplus of sugar. The boys were insane by bedtime. But they loved their new toys and such. And we loved the company. Side note: Robert said I am forbidden from throwing parties henceforth. We'll see...Those swords... they lasted 2 days before meeting their end. Loved that the boys loved them. Okay with them being broken.

older

So. As of Saturday, we now have a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 4 month old. It is insane, but I would not have it any other way. I love these three boys and the entertainment they bring to my life.

JOEL - 3 years
Just over 30 lbs. Over 3 ft tall. Wicked intelligent. Incredible memory. Seriously. Creepy memory. REALLY creepy. Expressive. Opinionated. Obedient (as obedient as a 3 year old gets, that is). Our smarty pants.
LUCAS - 2 years
Just under 30 lbs. Only 2.5 ft tall. Wicked silly. No fear. Seriously. NO fear. Nada. Entertaining. Energetic. Absolutely crazy. Our spit-fire.
DANIEL - 4 months
About 17 lbs. Who knows how tall. Wicked smiley. Blob with a head. Doesn't roll. Doesn't laugh (much). Just a smiley baby. Loves to cuddle. Smiles when you sing. Our happy face.

These kids are my world. We definitely have our days. You know. THOSE days. But those days are worth it. Couldn't ask for a cuter little family.

zoo impromptu

This morning, as I was loading the stroller for my daily walk/run, I noticed how lovely it felt outside. So I made the last minute switch from sweat pants to skinny jeans and headed to the zoo instead. Called my grandma while on the way and invited her along, too. Seriously. Could not have asked for better weather. Perfect through the whole trip. And I FINALLY got to see the new orangutan exhibit. SO awesome. The boys even had fun. too.