just going to say it

Want to hear something shocking? I have incredibly low self esteem. You may not have known that about me. Because I have learned to hide it. By trying to conquer the world with everything I take on. Several people have made comments to me or about me being "good at everything I try". While that may be the case (in all honesty, not trying to boast by any means), being good at things does nothing for my self esteem. I have fleeting feelings of happiness when complimented. But I am then left with a bigger hole than I started with wondering if what was said is really true. I am not doubting those that give compliments. I am doubting myself. And there are major areas in my life (that essentially make up who I am) that I doubt myself the most in. I doubt myself as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, and as a photographer. As far as doubting myself as a wife goes, this one is all on me. Robert has NEVER said or done anything to make me feel this way. This stems from being so exhausted from three young children. I let housework slide. I let cooking slide (way slide. not even going to tell you the last time I made dinner). I feel horrible because Robert comes home from work and cooks dinner while taking care of the kids. He gives up his Saturday morning to clean the house and to take the two older boys grocery shopping. And not once has he complained. EVER. Don't get me wrong; I participate too. I just feel like I am not doing enough. Which carries over into being a mother. Lately, we have been in survival mode. We use to do "preschool" together, but it has been weeks since we left off on "W". We use to walk/run in the morning, but I haven't had the motivation or energy in several days. So we watch movies. Which is something I swore would never be a daily routine. And I feel horrible for it. In terms of friendship, I feel like people don't really like me as much as I think they do. Which is ridiculous. But I get so nervous about it that I make myself sick. And if/when I do unintentionally offend a friend, I never allow myself to feel forgiven. Even if I am. A mishap occurred just over a year ago, one that I mistakenly allowed to happen. And to this day, I feel that those involved might love and respect me just a little less than before. And I avoid certain topics with them because I feel like it is salt on the wound. I know this is not truly the case, but it is how I make myself feel. And photography? I feel like quitting. Every day. I feel like I am not good enough to call myself a photographer. That I have no right to claim to own a business. Or to charge people for my work. Unlike my other doubts, this one has a little more founding. I have been lied to. I have been taken advantage of (and I would never say by whom or how so please do not ask. and please do not assume I am speaking of you). I have had clients immediately turn around an book a session with another photographer after receiving their images. And it hurts. Painfully. It makes me feel completely incapable. That I am not good enough. So it makes me want to give up. I have no clue where I stand on this one: whether to continue on and make myself sick with worry that a client may not love their pictures. Or whether to quit doing something that I enjoy so as to save myself from undue stress.
Okay. If you seriously made it through all of that, I am impressed. I am not trying to complain. Or call anyone out (and if you somehow got that from this you completely missed the point). I just want to be honest about how I feel. Because right now I feel like a big fat part of me is a lie trying to hide all of this. I do not want the label of being a negative person. I just want you to understand the load that I make myself carry.

And if you try to tell me to change how my brain functions, my very OCD mind just might explode.