just going to say it

Want to hear something shocking? I have incredibly low self esteem. You may not have known that about me. Because I have learned to hide it. By trying to conquer the world with everything I take on. Several people have made comments to me or about me being "good at everything I try". While that may be the case (in all honesty, not trying to boast by any means), being good at things does nothing for my self esteem. I have fleeting feelings of happiness when complimented. But I am then left with a bigger hole than I started with wondering if what was said is really true. I am not doubting those that give compliments. I am doubting myself. And there are major areas in my life (that essentially make up who I am) that I doubt myself the most in. I doubt myself as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, and as a photographer. As far as doubting myself as a wife goes, this one is all on me. Robert has NEVER said or done anything to make me feel this way. This stems from being so exhausted from three young children. I let housework slide. I let cooking slide (way slide. not even going to tell you the last time I made dinner). I feel horrible because Robert comes home from work and cooks dinner while taking care of the kids. He gives up his Saturday morning to clean the house and to take the two older boys grocery shopping. And not once has he complained. EVER. Don't get me wrong; I participate too. I just feel like I am not doing enough. Which carries over into being a mother. Lately, we have been in survival mode. We use to do "preschool" together, but it has been weeks since we left off on "W". We use to walk/run in the morning, but I haven't had the motivation or energy in several days. So we watch movies. Which is something I swore would never be a daily routine. And I feel horrible for it. In terms of friendship, I feel like people don't really like me as much as I think they do. Which is ridiculous. But I get so nervous about it that I make myself sick. And if/when I do unintentionally offend a friend, I never allow myself to feel forgiven. Even if I am. A mishap occurred just over a year ago, one that I mistakenly allowed to happen. And to this day, I feel that those involved might love and respect me just a little less than before. And I avoid certain topics with them because I feel like it is salt on the wound. I know this is not truly the case, but it is how I make myself feel. And photography? I feel like quitting. Every day. I feel like I am not good enough to call myself a photographer. That I have no right to claim to own a business. Or to charge people for my work. Unlike my other doubts, this one has a little more founding. I have been lied to. I have been taken advantage of (and I would never say by whom or how so please do not ask. and please do not assume I am speaking of you). I have had clients immediately turn around an book a session with another photographer after receiving their images. And it hurts. Painfully. It makes me feel completely incapable. That I am not good enough. So it makes me want to give up. I have no clue where I stand on this one: whether to continue on and make myself sick with worry that a client may not love their pictures. Or whether to quit doing something that I enjoy so as to save myself from undue stress.
Okay. If you seriously made it through all of that, I am impressed. I am not trying to complain. Or call anyone out (and if you somehow got that from this you completely missed the point). I just want to be honest about how I feel. Because right now I feel like a big fat part of me is a lie trying to hide all of this. I do not want the label of being a negative person. I just want you to understand the load that I make myself carry.

And if you try to tell me to change how my brain functions, my very OCD mind just might explode.

party

On Saturday, we had a little party for the boys. Nothing big. Just family. And triplets. Sweet and simple. It turned out perfect. Minus the surplus of sugar. The boys were insane by bedtime. But they loved their new toys and such. And we loved the company. Side note: Robert said I am forbidden from throwing parties henceforth. We'll see...Those swords... they lasted 2 days before meeting their end. Loved that the boys loved them. Okay with them being broken.

older

So. As of Saturday, we now have a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a 4 month old. It is insane, but I would not have it any other way. I love these three boys and the entertainment they bring to my life.

JOEL - 3 years
Just over 30 lbs. Over 3 ft tall. Wicked intelligent. Incredible memory. Seriously. Creepy memory. REALLY creepy. Expressive. Opinionated. Obedient (as obedient as a 3 year old gets, that is). Our smarty pants.
LUCAS - 2 years
Just under 30 lbs. Only 2.5 ft tall. Wicked silly. No fear. Seriously. NO fear. Nada. Entertaining. Energetic. Absolutely crazy. Our spit-fire.
DANIEL - 4 months
About 17 lbs. Who knows how tall. Wicked smiley. Blob with a head. Doesn't roll. Doesn't laugh (much). Just a smiley baby. Loves to cuddle. Smiles when you sing. Our happy face.

These kids are my world. We definitely have our days. You know. THOSE days. But those days are worth it. Couldn't ask for a cuter little family.

zoo impromptu

This morning, as I was loading the stroller for my daily walk/run, I noticed how lovely it felt outside. So I made the last minute switch from sweat pants to skinny jeans and headed to the zoo instead. Called my grandma while on the way and invited her along, too. Seriously. Could not have asked for better weather. Perfect through the whole trip. And I FINALLY got to see the new orangutan exhibit. SO awesome. The boys even had fun. too.

: )

So..... I am a slacker. I blame the enormous amounts of photo editing I have piling upon me. Not complaining. Just saying... I am busy. I haven't even really touched Pinterest for over a week or two. And that is saying a lot. But today I post glad tidings of sidewalk chalk and paper airplanes. Daniel is 4 month old as of Sunday. Growing like a weed. Don't know his stats; waiting for Lucas to turn 2 and Joel to turn 3. Group trip to the doctor! And all three will be receiving shots. *Warm fuzzies*. And today is exactly 75 days before I take flight. Checked in on the ticket; it is not bogus. Definitely an irrational fear I have had for the last four weeks. Because it would have been the worst thing ever to find out when trying to board the plane.

I run. Well, try to at least. Building up day by day. Little by little. But when I run (and walk), I often have random thoughts pop into my head.
*I wonder if Ty still hearts Christy (someone wrote in the pavement).
*I can fit 3 kids in a double stroller. What the heck am I going to do when we have 4?
*Will my thighs ALWAYS rub together ever-so-slightly when I run?
*That man walking toward me on the sidewalk will either try to kill me or smile & nod.
*How long do I have to do this to have a killer bod?
*What makes someone want to sell RVs for a living?
*It always seems to be hotter on the days that I exercise.
*People must laugh in their cars at my weak attempts at running.
*What shade of yellow should I paint my future laundry room?
*When will I have a nicer neighborhood to run through?
And some days I have much, much weirder thoughts. If anyone knows the answer to any of my questions, let me know. My mind obsessively wonders, so rest would be nice. :)

truth

Lately, it feels like the weight of the world is crushing me. Not anything big. Just a bunch of little, inconsequential things. But by the end of the day, I often look like this. Completely worn. Utterly exhausted. And not because of my children, either (though Lucas + terrible twos = hell). On the contrary. Daniel's smiles bring so much light into my life. His smiles touch his eyes. Anyway. Not sure why I feel this way. Just overly emotional, I guess. Been walking/jogging/running to help kick these blues. Praying the exercise and sun will help. Don't worry. I'm okay! Just..... yeah.

There is a contest. On Chapterhouse Lane. Click HERE to go straight to the contest. Click HERE to go to the blog's homepage. Click HERE to like on Facebook. Click Here to follow on Twitter. Click SOMETHING. Do it. Oh, and check under my Chapterhouse Lane blog button down yonder on this blog. I have some new blog bling. :)

Some days, I conquer the world as a mother of three. Field trips. Activities. Sewing. Cooking. Cleaning. Organizing. Singing. Teaching. There are days when I can accomplish all of the above... and more. Then there are other days. Days when we do nothing but lay around on the floor and watch way too many movies. Today is one of those days. But that's okay. I like today.

countdown

I like looking forward to things. And I definitely have something in the near[ish] future to look forward to. 100 days. Exactly one hundred days from this moment and I am gone. Flying far, far away. Just me. Traveling over 6,000 miles. And [if I use Google Maps for directions] I am suppose to kayak across the ocean. I think I'd rather take a plane and save 33 days of traveling...This picture in no way indicates which direction I will be traveling. And for the few that may know where I am going, PLEASE don't spoil the surprise. It's a secret. For now, at least.
But, in the mean time, we are just learning many, many things and doing fun crafts to pass the time. And if the rain [from this useless excuse of a monsoon season] wont come to us, we will make our own. Now we have a little bit of rain every day. And a rainbow of color.